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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.